No. 112 Artichoke

Visited on 27/10/11. This place used to be ‘the Globe’ and is situated just along the canal side from ‘the Old Harkers Arms’ (No. 36). Like Harkers, it’s housed in an old warehouse. Therefore it has that attractive Victorian industrial interior. Maybe it would be a little unfair to describe it as a ‘Harkers-lite’, but, erm that’s exactly what it is. I guess it was easier to keep the big globe from its previous incarnation mounted on the outside of the building than to take it down. Hence the name. Globe – Artichoke ? You see the globe is still relevant. Sort of. I’d have kept the globe as well if it was my boozer – it looks great. I’d have gone for a different name though. ‘Planet Ale’ maybe. Er, maybe not. On the subject of ale, I think it’s fair to say we were all under-whelmed. Some ‘good uns’ were available, including offerings from Tatton and Weetwood, but it was all served too warm. Reminded me of the Mill Hotel in that respect (No. 48). I was also curious as to why all the bar staff were wearing t-shirts with a Russian Vodka brand emblazoned on them – ‘Kutyakokoff’ or summat, so I asked the manager about them. “You know how much these shirts cost us, my man ?” he replied with a smug grin. “Er, let me guess. You’re promoting a brand, so was it nought pounds, nought pence ?” I proffered. He winked and walked away. Yep, smart work big guy. They must be worth less than a tenner each. Personally, I’d have paid a tenner not to have to wear one. T-shirts with slogans - what a naff idea ! The place was busy anyhow and a minor local sleb plus entourage was in da house. I don’t really want to say who it was. However, the nickname ‘Lipson’ might be a clue. See if you can work it out. Answers on a postcard to Granada Reports.

No. 111 The Rectory

Visited on 27/10/11. This place is situated half way along Bell End Walk, right next to the cathedral and is one of Chester’s newer bar/restaurants. I’d love to see the business plan, as I’d have thought ‘customers’ were a sort of prerequisite. However, they seem to be operating quite happily without any. The place was completely empty and when we walked in the barmaid was visibly shocked. Ok, that might have been just because it was us. A hand pump was on the bar with a Flowers IPA pump-clip attached, so we ordered up a round of said beverage. “Oh, that’s not connected,” came the barmaid’s reply. We ordered a round of Bombardier instead (fizzy version), but as she opened the tap to pour the first pint, an empty keg blurted out a little CO2 wet fart. “Oh, (giggle giggle) that’s not working either,” she helpfully explained. “We’ve got cocktails though !” “Great, why didn’t you say ? Why are we messing about with ale ? Three pints of cocktails then please.” She looked a bit uncomfortable. “Only joking. We’ll have three bottles of your finest most Mexican beer.” Ten quid. Ten bleedin’ quid to drink supermarket ale in an empty building ! Setting fire to a tenner, filming it, staring at the camera, saying “I’m mad, me”, then putting it on You-tube would have been more fun. We repaired to the verandah in order to escape from the stifling lack of atmosphere. Surprisingly, it’s quite a nice spot. A gang of male ‘yoot’ then turned up (innit). They asked if there was a DJ on. We laughed and sent them back up the road to Missoulla (No. 110). “There’s deffo a DJ on there”, we assured them. “P-Diddy his name is. P-Diddy David Hamilton.” They looked perplexed as they walked away. Probably hadn’t heard of the great man. Probably wondered why those ‘old guys’ were more hip than they were. Probably.

No. 110 Missoula

Visited on 27/10/11. Bring on the nubiles ! Jesus wept, this was our most difficult mission yet. Two choices; face the room and look like a leering pervert or face the wall and look like a weirdo. I reckon the average age of the CBP is more than double the average age of the clientele in this place, 90% of which appeared to be female. Begs the question, where were all the lads ? Cracking one off at home whilst surfing internet porn sites probably. Possibly. I dunno. What to drink anyhow ? Don’t look along the bar – risk of eye contact. “AAAAGH, that man’s staring at me. PERVERT ! CALL THE POLICE !” Straight ahead – Mexican beer in the fridge – we’ll have that. Quick look around. Phew, got away with it. Shorts seem to be popular in here. That’s the garment, not the beverage grouping. “PERVERT !” Oh shit. Glug, glug. Time to go.

No. 109 The Living Room

Visited on 27/10/11. The logical next step after finding your way up the back passage to ‘Duttons’ is to pop into ‘the Living Room’ via the rear entrance. (Apologies - even I’m getting bored with this now !) I remember this place as a late night bar cum ‘discotheque’ – but that was about twenty years ago. Jesuz, I can even remember it as ‘Joe’s Wine Bar’. Them were the days*. Anyhow, it looks as if it’s been refurbished recently - and guess what ? Lo and friggin’ behold, it’s been gastrofied. Upstairs where all the dancing, groping and fighting took place, there’s now a neat array of tables. Rocket munchers everywhere. “Can I help you sir ?”, an overpolite waitress enquired. “I doubt it”, I replied as I descended the stairs. Apparently there’s a 3rd floor to this place which is set to be a nightclub – the grand opening will be attended by, and get this, a Stoke City first team footballer AND all his mates. That’s THE Stoke City. Yep. This ‘exclusive’ came from the world’s most annoying barman - a twenty-something oik who we tried to engage in conversation. He responded by slagging off the ale in ‘Duttons’ (which was actually ok) before declaring that they didn’t serve cask ale themselves. Furthermore he insisted that keg ale was better in any case. This was an education. We drank the keg. It was shite. He then started doing all that cretinous cocktail bar bottle juggling stuff, despite the fact that nobody was actually buying any cocktails. The tit. A Stoke City player though ? Impressive.

* The superb but now sadly defunct Chester City fanzine, 'the Onion Bag' once described Joe's Wine Bar as follows: '...features 'wall to wall' seafood smells' & '...is a haven for the purple-headed womb warrior'. Indeed. 

No. 108 Duttons

Visited on 27/10/11. Finbarr Saunders’ ‘up the back passage’ line has already been over-used on this blog, so I’ll make no comment about ‘Duttons’ location*. Famous for being a favourite venue of the ‘mature carouser’**, unfortunately it seems to have followed the current trend towards gastro-isation. Whereas previously it was a bar with a menu available, now it’s a restaurant with a drinking area. Tea-light laden tables fill most of the available space and the thinly scattered clientele consisted mainly of bored couples staring at each other over plates of rocket and things served with a jus. There’s more to life than this, people ! Two real ales are available here and we went for the Lees bitter (can’t remember what the other one was). It was ok. We had another in fact. Party on.

*   It’s up the back passage

** Male: Ageing sleazeball. Female: Mutton dressed as lamb

Interlude 2: CBP T-shirts

This is something we'll probably never get round to doing. However, if we ever do, we'll need an appropriate slogan. I might post some possibilities later (if I can think of any). Meanwhile, if anyone's got any suggestions, please feel free to post in the comments.

Updated - I've been having a think. What d' yer reckon ?

'METROSEXUALISTA'

'URBAN SOPHISTICADO'

'KEEP THE RIFF-RAFF IN !'

'FRIG OFF !'

'SHITEHOLES AHOY !'

'BLUSTERINGLY QUAFFULESCENT'

'YOU WANT SOME ACTION HOMBRE ?'

'ALE: IT'S NOT FOR PONCES'

'FLAVOURSOME WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE'

'MINE’S A GUATEMALAN CAIPIRINHA'

'TRAMPS, ALKIES, PISS-ARTISTS, LOAFERS, SLUGGARDS, JACKANAPES, PUTTERERS, MISCREANTS, SUNDRY NE’ER-DO-WELLS'

'RHEUM ONE-O-ONE: MEMBERS ONLY'

[No blog this week by the way - we're having a week off because some of us are going to the Chester CAMRA beer festival tonight. Taste buds to the fore casketeers !]

No. 107 The Amber Lounge

Visited on 13/10/11. Formerly the Deva hotel, this place underwent ponsification about ten years ago to emerge in it’s current form. Initially it was called ‘the Room’ before becoming ‘the Amber Lounge’, when presumably it was bought by a chain (there’s another one in Knutsford). The transformation mainly involved lashing white paint over every internal surface including the original Elizabethan beams and fireplace – it’s tantamount to vandalism to be honest. Lord knows how they were allowed to do that to a listed building. And to what end ? The place is utterly devoid of soul. It was practically empty, an appalling pub singer was crucifying songs in the corner and there was no real ale. We drank keg tiger and left. Tick.